Last weekend we went to indy with dad. we had to share the same room, something about conventions in town so all the rooms in the hotel were booked. twin beds. that was fun.

the hotel was right across from the stadium. that was nice. there was also a bar right next to the hotel, and downtown wasn't too far a walk either. when we got there on saturday afternoon, it was a bit awkward at first. i could tell that dad didn't want to be there.

he'd had these game tickets for a while, and billie mom was supposed to go with him. the weekend of her funeral, he had asked joe if he wanted to go with him, and the following week, asked me if wanted to, and from there, we found a single ticket and boom, we are in indy. i felt bad being there, guilty. i had wished billie mom was there instead of us, but we tried to make the most of it. also, dad paid for a majority of things, and this again made me feel bad. we weren't there to get a free ride by any means, we brought our own money, but he's pretty persistant and i think he appreciated us being there, so he didn't have to be there alone, or even waste the tickets and not go.

we went to the bar near the hotel and drank for a while. a lot of beer. too much. we talked about alot of things. guards were down. i think he was happy to have gotten out of the house though and memories and stories and life lessons were shared. he likes joe. that helped the weekend alot.

after leaving that place, we tucked dad in and joe and i hit the downtown; by this time we are both pretty drunk. we found a bar called the Slippery Noodle, apparently Indy's oldest bar; it's a blues place. we listened to a band. they were pretty good. after that we found our way to the Ugly Monkey and I danced. LOL. we weren't there long; the night of beers, tequila and hot damn soon caught up to us.

we stumbled, literally back to the hotel. i didn't sleep at all, between joe and dad snoring and my stomach and head turning. surprisingly enough, i did not get sick at all, but joe and dad did i think. hahaha.

that sunday we didn't drink, but just went to the game and i really enjoyed it. i love the colts, follow them every year, so this was a real treat for me, plus it was my first pro game.

after the game we made our way further downtown to a steak place, it was really fancy and omg expensive, but the best food i've probably had in my life! we took a cab back to the hotel and i fell asleep and joe and dad stayed up talking about all sorts of things.

we departed that monday and really joe and i were quiet the emotional mess. and i'm pretty sure i was still hung over from saturday night. we got dad a jersey. he liked that.

next on the agenda is thanksgiving. we're headed back to ohio for that. scott, bill and jay will be there too. we'll stay for a few days then try to determine what will happen with christmas. i told joe we will become dad's surrogate wife. we're okay with that.

he was talking of retiring in april. well, he was on the fence about it. i guess it turns out that bp is going to be selling off their ohio stuff come march anyhow, so that gives dad the out he needs to just go ahead and retire. i know he wants to, the job is killing him, but at the same time, i think he worries about all the time he's going to have and what to do with it. this is where we will come in i guess.

he's trying to take it one day at a time, but boy's it's just one big emotional roller coaster, this whole thing.

i haven't spoken to frankie either. we weren't close before billie mom died, and i knew this. i mean, i guess neither of us tried to speak to one another outside of the occassional time we would see one another. i really did try to extend the olive branch though and have called her many times and texted but she's not returned any calls. dad says she's having a hard time dealing with her mother's death, and i for one can certainly understand that, but i can only help so much. i am almost a stranger to her, no reason she might feel comfortable talking to me about her innermost feelings at this point.

i haven't spoken really to my own brother even, in the last month. well i haven't tried to call him either i guess. we weren't close before billie mom passed away, and again, i guess why should we be now.

the other side of this situation is joe's mother. we've distanced ourselves from her for a very long time now, and she's gotten wind of us going to indy, joe talking to dad almost every day, and that we are going there for thanksgiving. i think it's making her jealous and she's trying to be manipulitive about it. she thinks we'll all make christmas plans. here's this reality and it sucks, but this is what it is:

the last time we did christmas with joe's family, was two years ago. it was at his cousin's house. we left there crying and upset. not due to words spoken (more like the lack there of) but due to just how his aunt and uncle treated us. pretty much like we didn't exist. see, there is a long history of drugs, secrets, and addictions that plague this family and any time they all get together, its all just a day of ignoring the really big elephants in the room.

i'd say the transgression started when we got together really. joe stopped taking his meds, and while they might have helped him for a while, he got to the point of just not needing them anymore. however, his family, most of them, still kept at it and for the holidays to come for a few years, either it was his mother or his aunt out on benders or in rehab somewhere. so two years ago, his mother was supposed to be on the clean track (but we later found out she wasn't) yet his aunt seemed to be making progress. however, after we got married, they all just started to push themselves further away. joe spent most of his teen years with his aunt and uncle. i think once he got married, they might have felt relieved that they no longer had to deal with the burdens of the life joe had as a child. wrong. these are burdens they will carry forever. his uncle never really stepped up to the plate to provide the father figure type joe so needed. and that's why it was so hard all these years for him to reach out to my father and i am sad to say it took the death of billie mom to actually bring them together, but that's what has happened, so joe has latched on to dad as much as dad has latched on to joe.

anyhow that one christmas, we were treated pretty bad. we had just bought our home that prior june and his uncle came over to upgrade out fuse box and electricity amp. he couldn't do the job all in one day but had promised he'd come back and finish. he never did. that was 3 years ago. about a year went by when joe would try to call his aunt and make reference to it, and there were times that his uncle called, sure, but only when he had a computer question, and there was a time or two after that that his uncle actually came back over, but only to drop off or pick up his computer. never any mention of the work that he started that needed to be done. as time went on, there were problems with his aunt i think leading up to that following christmas and for whatever their reasons, they just ignored us. so we left upset and crying. the next christmas, we did not go see any of them. i think we might have come to bloomington to see his mother, like the following week, but that was it. leads back to his mother.

in years past on christmas and thanksgiving, we've had to either make plans to pick her up and take her back home, or she'd want to come over then cancel on us, or the year before last, we went to bloomington and was going to just go out to dinner, but she bailed on us then too. so this year she's pissed because we are going to ohio? are you kidding? aside from the fact that you were never a mother to my husband, you've lied for years about your drug use, you've taken no steps to remain sober, you've manipulated every darn situation to benefit you, you claim suicide threats, and god knows what else you've done, you expect that we will have holidays together? no. not gonna happen. if joe wants to see her, i certainly won't try to stop him. however, i am not the bigger person. i haven't seen her in over a year, and i don't want to. i don't want to see any of them. they are not his family. they left him....

i should probably stop while i'm ahead. i know this is my journal and my free space for thinking and venting, but i have already said enough. i mean, just because i feel the way i do, doesn't mean that's really the situation at hand, but i'm smart. i see things. i know his pain. i see it every day. he knows my thoughts on most of this anyhow and i do try to be the bigger person, or i did in the past, but in the time we've been together, i've seen a lot of crap from them and that is just hard to deal with sometimes. doesn't make my thoughts right or wrong, but it's just how i feel. i'm just as proud as can be at joe for turning out to be the fine man he is today. his adult life sure could turned out very different if he let it.

we got to work, we pay our debts, we take care of our things, and we live a nice, quiet life. i have no wants and while i have worries, i've always been a worrier. that won't change soon, but i know we take care of what we need to and i'm good with that. i wake up in the morning, grumpy sure, but happy. grumpy because well my job is not my ideal job and i try to make the most of that, but hey, it's a tough market out there. i need to get back on the ball with writing for sure. dropped the ball again when billie mom passed away. i'm really good at letting life interfer with my writing.

dad won't live forever. i know this. i have to prepare myself for whatever god has in store for him. but when that time comes, i think joe and i will both be in a place we've never been before, and while both have experienced the death of loved ones, dad is our last remaining fracture of some sort of family relation that either of us has. then it will be just us, and i know we'll be okay, but looking into the pain and hurt that will one day come again, yikes.

okay time to spend the rest of the day working on agent searches.

God I hate when people hang up on me because I can't tell them what they want to hear.

I had chips and a coke for lunch.  that hit the spot.

People hanging up on me though?  No.  Don't think so.

Well...
Still married woot!
It's been so long since I've even really posted here.  I have to back track a bit to get my bearings.  In 2003, I moved to Illinois.  We stayed in a rental and as the years went by, we discussed marriage and buying a home.  We decided to get married first then buy the home.  So in June of 2007, we bought our first home.  Then the market crashed.

Later in 07, my stepmother got breast cancer.  Dealt with that for a  year, had several operations.  It went away.  It came back in 08.  Some back story on this, and I don't recall posting exactly on this topic, but I might have.. eh... anyhow.... Dad remarried in Oct of 2001; a year and a month after Mom died.  We hadn't dealt with any issues surrounding my mother's death even after a year, and I wasn't prepared for him to run off and get married.  It was no reflection on B.  I knew she was a nice person and all that, but again, there's just those issues we needed to deal with.  Regardless, it was either accept it and move on, or push him out of my life probably forever.  I went to the wedding, wrote a poem, read it.  All that jazz.  And over the years, I got to know B.  We spent time together.  Not as much as I liked or wanted, but enough I guess.  Then I moved out of the state.  That put a bit of a bridge up.  Then we got married.  They wanted to come to Vegas with us.  We told them we wanted to go by ourselves.  They weren't happy about that.  We tried to leave it at that.  We didn't anyone to go because none of his family could go, and we didn't want to stir their pot of aggression if any of them knew dad and b went and we didn't invite them.  Well they would have had to pay for it all themselves, and let me just say this:  that was in 2006.  His mom was claiming to be a track to sobriety, which we found out two years later, that she wasn't.  yeah she went into "rehab" the weekend we went to vegas.  we thought his other family memberst that he somewhat kept in touch with at that point would also be upset.  turns out i don't think they cared one way or another that he got married.  no cards, no gifts, nothing.

for a while, his mother claimed her anniversary being drug free and what not as the same day as our wedding anniversary.  lets just say that for the two years that followed, she spent alot of time in and out of hospitals, and a lot of turmoil was thrown on joe.  and she was not sober.  not at all.  we have our suspecions about what she was doing, and still might be doing.  so all for the sake back in 06 of his family's feelings, no one went to vegas with us.  we would later discuss it and realize it was a bad call on our part; dad and b should have gone.  hindsight i guess.  we thought his family would be more active in our lives.  instead, they pushed themselves farther away and his mother has been creating problem after problem since.  we even interventioned her.  did not good. 

so last labor day weekend, i went to tennessee to see dad, b, b's family.  stayed for a few days.  joe didn't go because he couldn't take that long off work.  it was there that some things happened:  my father hit what i call his breaking point with life.  b's cancer came back.  and they confronted me on vegas.  i finally came clean and said look, joe's family is a mess.  we couldn't have anyone there.  it would have created problems.  but that's how much we cared about not hurting anyone's feelings at the time.  what was it all for?  heck if i know.  like i said, we regret it now.  his mother is in lala land and he has very limited communication with her.  i refuse to see her.  i'll comment maybe one day on all that.  he's given her so many chances but she's dropped the ball every time.  i guess he's fed up.  so is his family i suppose but i can't explain why they pushed joe away.  all of em did.  really upsets me.

so yeah, after sept 08, b's cancer came back.  we tried to get back to ohio when we could in the last year.  i went out there this past labor day weekend.  joe worked so it was just me.  after that, she was in the hospital a straight month.  she passed away oct 7th.  i gave her eulogy and helped her daughter go through her clothes and stuff.  the last few months i knew it wasn't looking good.  she fought so hard.  going to work was a pain because every day i'd just look at my phone and wait for the call.  well it came. 

we spent as long as we could with dad then had to come home.  about a month now has gone by and every time i talk to him, my heart breaks.  joe has been great with him.  i so wish that they all would have gotten to know each other sooner, b included, but i knew where joe was coming from with his family and past family history, but you can't make your own folks try to understand all that.  when joe did see them, he was always very upfront about his mother and his childhood and they knew he didn't have a dad so i think they didn't push too too much on why "won't joe come around more" stuff.  well after b passed, joe and dad have been talking every day just about and they have taken well to each other.  dad just needs someone to talk to, but it's not a false relationship; it might be one out of necessity right now, but it's not false.  he has no attachment to his own family and my father has lost his attachment so there seems to be this unspoken bond that has formed. 

i talk to him when i can, mind you.  it's not the same convo was when joe talks to him.. joe can talk to him about sports, computers, all sorts of stuff, guy stuff.  it deviates his thinking if only for a while.  i've tried also to reach out to b's daughter.  i really don't think i had much of a relationship with her before all of this, so i didn't think i'd have one after.  while b was alive, she never pushed getting to know her daughter on me and i saw her on a few random occassions but she was always very nice to me.  she's got her own family and stuff and lives in Georgia.  i know she's taken all this very hard and i've tried to extend that olive branch but it's not working as of yet.  i know where she is.  i've been there. 

i worry about dad now.  not sure the full extent yet that this has taken on his health and mental being.  it's not going too well but i think he's trying. 

the only other news is that joe's spent the last year laid off about once a week.  that's been fun for money.  he's bounced around a few shifts and is back on 3rds.  i work the same job i did the last time i posted here.  it's insurance, 401k and all that good stuff so can't complain, especially with so many people out of work.  still can't do a darn with with my degree though.

i finished my masters finally, in 2005.  took a year off and tried to fnd other work in my field.  we moved in 2006 and after we got settled, i sat down and spent time rewriting and editing the book.  i guess sometime in 2008, is when i began searching for agents.  that's been a slow process and several rejection letters.  i still have a few i need to get out but i'm stalled again.  there have been lots of stalls.  i began working on short stories, mainly while i was waiting to hear from agencies.  one story won a place as an honorable mention in the WD's annual writing contest.  lots of participants.  placing in the top 100 aint so shabby.  my first "award."  there's also other manuscripts i'm still dabbling with.  joe's very supportive of all the writing and even asked if i wanted to go back to get my ph.d.... i looked into it; but it's another 5 years of school. more debt.. no guarentees for a job... i made the realistic decision to stay where i am til something better comes along and to keep writing.  and lets face it; i'm not a spring chicken anymore. 

well this is a good place to stop for now.... i think i've gotten just about all caught up on main things... will clarify more later... just wanted to get my feet wet and get back into journaling.  what peace of mind, however small, it brings.

Well I never did finish updating this did I?  Since a few years has gone by, let me see if I can recall enough to just finally get it all down.  Where did I leave off?  Oh, yeah, the room is ready.  Well, if I recall, we had pool passes, but just found a bar and drank and played some slots to kill time.  So the room, yeah, it's ready so we get our keys and follow instructions to the elevator.  There were two sets of elevators and one set was for the regular rooms, which I had initally booked us for, and which we thought we were still getting, but on the key cards, the room number doesn't match that set of elevators so we look at the other set which was for floors 24 and up I think, and our room was on 26 or 27... still clueless at this point mind you that when they upgraded us, omg, did they upgrade us.  We roll with it and try to act like we know what we are doing, LOL so we get into the right elevator, and go up up up up and finally we get off on our floor, find our room door, and walk inside...

OMG, this room was like a room that rich people stay in like in the movies.  It was a suite.  It had a bar area, a living room, a huge bedroom, a hallway, a huge bath, and had a view of the pool down below and the strip.  It was the most beautiful room I had ever seen.  The entire weekend, when we would enter or exit that elevator, people would just stare.  I guess it was obvious that it went to the penthouse suites and such.   We were very humble about it though, believe me.  I left great tips every day for housekeeping and the room stayed spotless. 

So I think after we settled in, we just went sight seeing.  We went downtown to get our marrige license.  Went to Freemont Street.  I loved it.  Joe, not so much.  We gambled.  The next day, we spent it at the pool.  We were getting married that night, and keep in mind, this was July in Vegas.  OMG was it HOT.  We figured a few hours in the sun would be good for us.  Joe, who swore up and down he wasn't going to swim, was like a FISH!  I couldn't get him out of the water.  Finally, we go back to the room to get ready.  We had dinner arrangements first, and made reservations at the resturant in the hotel.  We discover a problem with the cash we'd put against the debit card we brought.  The gal who had checked us in had mistakenly told us it was okay to use the debit card for that, when the hotel only does it with actual credit cards.  We spent an hour at the front desk trying to talk to someone else about either fixing it or whatever.  Teh guy was really nice, and after a while, the hotel agreed to let us keep the money against our debit card.  It was straight honest cash they were getting I argued.  We had a budget and only came with a certain amount so we weren't going to overspend.  After our dinner, at which time I ate the best steak ever and we were treated like queen and king I kid you not, we headed to the chapel.

They sent a limo, so we freshened up.  My hair was terrible looking, cause it was so humid outside.  It just went flat right away.   And I was bloated from dinner.  Great idea I had for us to eat first.  Well, I had figured, I wanted a night ceremony so the lights on the gazebo would be on because it was dark, and I thought it would be cooler.  It was but not by much.  Also, I didn't want to chance not getting a good meal coming back from the chapel so late. 

Elvis married us and he sang.  I loved it!  I don't care how cheesy it sounds.  Also, we had a live internet feed to the wedding, so some of our friends I think had logged on to watch us exchange vows.  The voice quality was not so good, or was it on the video we got.  Eh.  So the limo drives us back to the hotel.  Weeks later, we get the photos.  LOL well I looked like a lobster. 

Next day we got to the pool.  Gamble go walking the strip.  Next day was check out.  We flew home in a very cramped plane and that was it.

Okay, so this is a nutshell, and maybe one day I'll expand. I'm upset with myself enough that I didn't log all of this when it happened.  Besides, there's much more to expand on.  To catch up on.

Working on pictures, on line and hardback, as well as a nifty lil scrapbook, but I also thought it due time to jot down the verbal thoughts I've had running around my head since we've been back from Vegas. I'm anal with this crap, so I will document every stinkin' detail that I can.

Day 1: July 7, Friday

(before beginning day 1, let's journey through the events of the night before... just for grins.

Day before 1: July 6, Thursday

Got the dog to the kennel by 4 p.m., and after that, finished packing and ironing. Packing does no good. I didn't know what to pack, except that I wanted a lot of it. I knew it was going to be hot and wanted us to have extra changes of clothes into. Joe, well, he doesn't care about stuff like that. Ironing, well, that was unproductive, seeing as how everything got folded and shoved into suitcases, but I am like that, gotta iron. The rest of the night, I goofed off, doubled checked my packing lists, and waited for Joe to get home, which was around midnight. We agreed that I would try to at least get some sleep since I was driving us to the airport. I couldn't sleep. AT ALL. Joe tried to lie down I think about 3 a.m. I was back up at 5ish, forgoing my awesome plan to get up as early as possible. We ran late, left late. I paniced because I'd never driven to the Peoria airport and really wasn't sure how long it would take. This is where day 1 can officially pick up.

Day 1:

The car was packed, we forgot something, I was sure. Joe went to get me morning coffee while I finished getting ready. He was ready in a flash. As he always is, and that left him to pace and wait for me. The ride to the airport was smooth, as was the check in at the airline counter. We were the second or first of ticketholders to get there, and it was only like 7 a.m. The airport bar was open and so we sat there and spent our first 20 bucks of the trip on beer, bloody marys, and egg sammiches. There was this guy there, with who he introduced as his father and they were going to Vegas for the kid's 21 birthday. They were friendly enough, engaging in the usual stranger/booze/airport banter one might engage in at 7 a.m. Now that I think about it though, they were rather odd. I had two mighty powerful bloody marys and was well lit by the time boarding neared. It was enjoyable, being drunk at that hour. The plane was pretty full and once on and settled in for the three hour flight, it wasn't too bad at all. The vodka helped. I spent most of the time looking out the window and about an hour into the ride, I got downright antsy. I was driving Joe nuts! He was trying to read, the poor guy, and I'm all but climbing out of the darn seats. I withheld from buying booze becuase it was so expense, but on their second trip through the plane, I gave in and got a small bottle of JD and a can of Pepsi. I sipped that for the rest of the trip and was happy as Daisy May in a bed of big fluffy blankets. When we flew over the Grand Canyon, I was struck silent for like ten minutes. I yelled for Joe to get the camera and I snapped some photos, none of which he said would turn out due to taking them from airplane window. Ha! They did turn out! The view was amazing, just amazing. We flew over Lake Mead and then on into Vegas, with a rough landing, but before we knew it, we had our bags and shuttle ticket and were on the way to the Mirage!

While waiting on our bags, we stepped outside for a much needed smoke. It WAS HOT! Dry and hot. Sunny, with palm trees everywhere. The airport, we figured, alone was just the size of the town we live in. We chatted with one couple, on the shuttle, who was staying at Treasure Island and in the time it took to make way to hotels, they managed to try to give us some tips. Our flight had left Peoria at 855 a.m. and by the time we got the the Mirage, it was only 11 a.m. I didn't figure we'd get our room so early, and we didn't.

Back story: I originally booked us a room at the Excalibur, and the more research I did, the more I decided I didn't like it and after confering with Joe, who stated as well that he was not comfortable with the choice, we sat down, expanded our budget and looked on line at all the nicer, 4 star hotels. We both agreed on the Mirage and booked a petite honeymoon suite for like 300 a night, but with AAA discount, was a bit less. The room, we figured, was going to be well worth the extra money, and it came with a whirlpool.

Okay, so we get to check in and the girl, unknown to us at the time, is fairly new, checked us in and confirmed our room. She said in a nutshell, that we were upgraded, free of charge (we double checked that like twice cause no way I was going to get an upgrade I didn't want to get stuck paying for upon checkout) but our room wasnt' going to be ready for a few hours and gave us pool passes. She then went on to tell us about this great thing where we could put a deposit down on the card we used to pay for the room, billed at our original suite price, and which was a debit card. We took no credit cards and no check book with us, we just had some cash and one debit card. She said we could put 300 against the card and could eat anywhere in the hotel by using our room number and have the places bill our room, therefore, providing us the opportunity to eat at the hotel and not battle lines elsewhere, and relieving the burden of carrying more cash on us than we wanted to. My first thought was em, no. Why bother? We had the cash and everything was almosted budgeted out as it could be. Joe was like, well, it sounds like a good idea. So I was like, fine, okay. So we do that. Boom, done. More on this later.

We went to the bar across from check in and rested for a bit. I went to the bathroom and cleaned up a bit, and since our bags were checked, we wondered around the hotel. The room was paid for and we had the room credit, and while I so wanted to get my suit and go swimming, we were both hungry so we find a cafe restaurant in the casino and eat lunch. As it cams time to pay the bill, we gave them our room number for the charge. It's was no go, they wouldn't take it, and we assumed it's because we weren't officially checked in yet. We went back to check in, see if our room's ready, and Joe explained to the same girl that the credit did not work. she explained that at some of the places you have to tell them you are waiting to be checked in. We did that, he told her. She told him she would fix it. And our room was not ready yet. It's 2 pm, give them until 3 pm. So we went back to the bar and drank some more.

Finally, as 3 p.m. approached, our room was set to go and we headed through the casino to the private elevators for our floor. Neither of us wanted to look like we didn't know where we were going, so we just followed the crowd. Two young girls shared our elevator and they actually had to help us put the key in and press the floor. Our floor was on 27 and we had NO idea what was in store for us. The little thing in the cafe quickly left my mind as we stepped off the elevator and headed down the long hallway to our room.

TBC

Joes suit: check (except for shoes)
pants being hemmed, drycleaning and pressing still need done

new luggage: check

bubba and bubbaette parties: check

tanning: check

travel items still need

eyebrow waxing still need

evites: check

hotel changed: check (from the trashy excalibur to the fancy and beautiful mirage honeymoon suite woooooooooooot)

budget mapped out: check

insanity: lost

impatience, anxiety, and excitement: check

two weeks and counting

Heya Rain!
Got your messages, and only had until now to sit down and reply. I'll post here, in case any of the old onioneers, like horns or smiley pop in and read this. I could have elaborated more with vegas in my last short post, but I didn't.
Okay
well,
we got a room at the Excalibur, the castle on the strip. We both dig that sorta thing, so thought it would be cool.
I, after a month of searching sites on line, finally found a chapel, Viva Las Vegas, with a gazebo. I'm going to email the wedding chick today and have her add Elvis to our package LOL. He will walk me down the aisle and perform the ceremony. It will be a night time service so the lights on the gazebo will be on and I'm worried that really it will look too cheap and tacky, so I hope it doesn't. The service time is going to be 930 pm vegas time and we will be sending out e-invites to a bunch of people so if anyone wants to watch it, they can via on line cause it will be broadcast on the web. Photos come with our package so the fucker who will take them better be good.

We fly in Friday, July 7, straight outta Peoria here in Illinois on a plane that only goes to vegas and back. Our wedding is Saturday the 8th and we are doing dinner before hand at a place undisclosed to me cause Joe is setting all that up. Then we head back home on a late flight that Monday evening. The rest of the week and a half we took off we are going to go some places around here, like up to Chicago, and just generally spend some time at home and relax.

A few weeks ago, I went up to Chicago on Michigan Ave to Lord and Taylor and got a beautiful dress! Some girlfriends went along and we made a day of it! I wish I could show pics now, but only have them on my phone and don't know how to transport em to computer and since Joe can't see the dress til the day of, I can't ask his help. So photos will have to wait. However, it is green, a beautiful light green, like this but in soft different shades. It it shoulder and backless and goes way down to the floor. I had to get really high silver heels to go with it AND it's so sexy omg. I can't wear a bra with it even! WOOOOOOOOOOT Imma look damn hot.

We made a trip to Victoria Secrets in Chicago too *wink*.

All we still need to buy is a set of luggage, and I need a garter, a dress cape, and a purse, and Joe, who knows the color of the dress, needs a shirt, dress jacket and dress shoes and belt. He will be wearing a nice pair of khakie gap pants and jacket to match.

Daisy will be in the kennel, and that's all planned.
I've begun tanning so I won't get out to our hotel pool and fry to the death of me.
Joe had a bachelor night sorta thing with pals from work last weekend. They gamed, drank, and ate chicken wings at the house all day and night. I've nothing planned for myself in the bacholette party sort of way.

The hotel is only a 3 star, but was the nicest, I thought in our budget so I am of course worried that it will all suck. The friday we fly out, we have to get up at like 4 AM LOL can you imagine? That is when Joe goes to bed.

It will just be the two of us there. Which is what we planned but I've had.... I dunno.... get back to that later. I'm torn between that being wonderful and wanting others there with us.

The hotel has a salon, and I was going to get my hair done there, but I'm thinking to save money, I might just do it myself. I dunno. Okay, scratch that, I'm not paying 150 just so Elvis will marry me, that is too much money. He should dance or sing or something too. Okay, just sent an email asking if he can at least just walk me down the aisle, which is no charge LOL. Money is tight. I can compromise.

Well, I think that about covers it for now.

hotel booked: check
airline tickets booked: check
wedding chapel booked: check

one month and one week in counting and vegas, here we come!

Nothing like the loss of one's debit card to inspire one to write.
yep
lost the damn thing
my blood
my life
now i have a new one coming
life goes on
but i just hate that i left it somewhere and didn't notice for like 12 hours
LOL
i'm not the only one in this god forsaken land to ever do such a thing but i'm dense right, with my thinking, and way too logica at times, however... i never ever lose shit like keys and cards
okay, keys once
but that's it
new job is going well
getting some overtime hours, building money for ohio next month
and
i like the big check
will come in handy down the road if i can work an extra day a week
haven't done much writing yet although, with the new job, i had this grand notion that i'd fit definite writing time in each day, and i try but am dry right now and do as little as i can here and there, still something i suppose
i have NO clue how long since last update so am not sure what to update really
oh wait, that's what the calander thingy is for
brb
oh christ
my last post was my sad pathetic confession of finding smokes
well update number one: back to smoking
full time
update number two: had my girlie appt last month, dr found a lump
had to get that checked out
all is okay
but now, i have a 200 dollar bill and need to call my ins company this coming week
udate number 3: dad broke his ankle, has been off work for months and won't return until may sometime at earliest
their first mobile still hasn't sold so they are still paying double mortgages and he is down to half pay. we are visiting them next month and i feel really bad asking for money for vegas, which dad offered to pay for back in dec when they were here for new years, but now, i feel like, oh man, they don't have it, you know?
update 4: i've acquired back pain and it sucks, for several weeks now
and have NO idea what the hell i did but think it might be my chair and damn it all if i haven't been sick on and off now for months i hate winter hate it
update 5: my skin is dry as hell
i mean
dry as
HELL
and i got this hemp oil lotion, but it sucks
smells good though

update
k
well

hmm
it's 538 pm. i stopped and got beer on the way home from work. first for that in a long while. haven't really drank since new years with the blood kin and all. *tosses daisy's baby*
on the way home from work
yes
work
a full time shitty ass cubile bonafide job
yep
*chuckle*
benes and 401k sure...
a final permmy step in a company i've already put a year into
it's cool, it works for now
it's a window
hopefully to open for bigger things yet to come.
got it back before new years, began training first week of jan. and will go out on the floor in a few weeks here; taking claim calls really. home and auto from whoever you chose calling in. storm seasons mean overtime, so that is more money. once i get my sched, and with this graduating class of feb 06, we will be the grunts. grunts, a word i've picked up from reading and watching Jarhead. anyhow, we right now won't have a say or pick in our hours. however, come april, a new class of grunts move in and my hours will change to what i prefer em to be. in six months, i can post for other positions in the company. posting ain't easy, nor was temping, nor will grunt work be, however, it's that whole window thang. *sips beer* ahhhh that's good. been studying like a dry bitch in heat, fighting colds and shit since the holidays, and i'm just pooped. beer is damn good right now and my goal is this tonight: drink (all of the six pack), write and game.
bam
anyhoooo
the job... will be okay for now. can't ask for more than that. once i get my sched, it will help me find a smaller part time job to bring in some more cash; whether that is freelanceing, or hell, maybe even teaching one class a semester at a community college. let's face it though LOL i spent how many months tossing out resumes and apps for those job and nothing came through. something small will present itself, i'm sure. right now, though, i have to get through training, do my taxes (tomorrow with a fresh clear head and coffee) and await the possible arrival of family for late winter visits.

on the smoking front:
well
hmm
i wish i could say yep, i'm clean from nicotine
but this is not the case
all the people i've made pals with at work are smokers

i'll tell ya,
wait
lost my thought
damn

hmm

oh i wanted to comment on a gal in my class at work; but i won't too much cept to say one fellow smoker pal defined her as looking like that kid from mask. he is right, as mean as hell as that is, but yep. a femmy version of what's his name in that movie. she is tall and has big thighs LOL and red hair and a high forehead. *laughs like a fruit and sips beer*
she really is a foul person. i mean me, sure i'm a jokester, goofball, makes jokes when are okay, makes people laugh, breaks the tension or boredom of the training session. i can be loud and goofy, but settle in when work needs done. and.. i don't give two shits who really likes me. her deal is this: she listens, more like eavesdrops on EVERYTHING i say (she sits in front of me). i can be talking, quietly mind you, to the gal next to me or the one in front of me on her other side, just a conversation between two, right? and she will literally strain her god damn high forehead to hear, and then will interject with a rude comment or the most ignorant of questions and she is ALWAYS in my grill and business. i can't even begin to tell you how much i hate that. i mean, come on, i'm an older chick ya know? this isn't highschool but damn. no one likes her, sad to say, so ya know she's got to be getting on everyone else. there is always drama my god. i just want to make my cracks, do my work, and talk to only those i want to talk to lol... not babysit ol red, or entertain her. whatever.

so that's work

finally got the binded copy of my thesis. it looks pretty damn sharp if i do say so myself, like a real hard covered book but with large print.
*sip*
i began the manuscript on the first book of the series, and as i work on it, i see what i can change in the second (the thesis) and how i can really make the whole story line just rock. will take a long time yet, but i'm working on it. the mother, based, as you know, on my own, really has taken a life of her own. while i use mom to fuel a lot of the material, my creativity really kicks in and i can create extensions to what i knew of my own mom. i hear the fictional voices of the characters calling to me now. my mind is free and clear. it's just a matter of trying to write everyday, even if it's one damn sentence.

lineup for the weekend: well i know what i'm doing tonight, and that is grand. tomorrow: taxes, freelance job hunting, and movie watching, oh and test studying for tuesday. Sunday: superbowl and beer.

yep

i might be back later, to comment on politics or some philosophical shit like that but right now, i'm de-stressing from a taxing day of training. joe has a bad cold again, poor thing. during the winter is seems like we rest so much on our days off cause the weeks wear us out. and the days off are gone before ya know it.

oh, yes and we must start planning soon for vegas, making concrete plans, reservations and shit, but with the new job, waiting to know for sure i can get the days off we wanted to go out there and to see what my hours will even be, which come july, they prolly won't be the same as they will be here come mid feb.

i miss the chat pals
eh
life goes on i guess
haven't done poetry in a while, nothing new, but that's okay; energies are focused elsewhere right now. with the new job, i really threw myself out there, being joking and funny and all just to want to make new pals. after being here in illinios for a few years now and not really making any new friends except for what i had on line (which are gone now :( ) i've been so eager for gal friends. with this job though, my intentions are not soley to make new drinking pals, but to do the best job i can so i can move up and get more pay. new pals are just a small bonus. just now 6 pm. long night. gonna try to stay up til joe gets home, but come friday, i always poop out. chances are, i'll have to work at least one weekend day a week, so i better enjoy the fridays while they are here, but really, i'm so damn tired come the end of the week. maybe i should write on the ms while i'm still awake and not drunk, but eh, i'd rather game for a bit i think.

so we've cheated
have found smokes in the house and have had a few here and there but we haven't bought any so....
it's all still good
joe made us lunch today
spent the late morning arranging bills and forming a game plan for the month, will be tough cause i won't get a check til the first or second week of feb. so things are gonna be tight and put off for a while. is to be expected and maybe since a new job has been found, banks will be more understanding lol. joe goes back to work today and i'm worried about my lonlieness. i miss family. i have plenty to do this week: cleaning, organizing, writing, gaming... but i miss my family and seeing them for the short time they were here then watching them leave was hard. i don't have any friends around here and any one line pal i had, well, they are all gone too, doing their own things, living whereever they are in cyberland. found a new chat room for writers on voodoo, but it isn't the same at all. people these days are so rude and they are cliquey and it sucks. don't know the secret handshake? too bad cause ya aren't gonna know. so i sit and observe and try to read and chat, but it ain't the same as it ever was. and people in this town suck. i'm trying also to gear up for this new chapter that begins next week: a decent paying job in a field i don't want but the prospect to make some new friends. come spring, we will be on the same sched., joe and i and can spend our late mornings and late nights together. i must use the next five days wisely for my time to relax, prevent a flu or cold, and just be happy that i have a new job and a roof over my head. joe and i, well, we are both the same in regards to before we met, we both lived life by the scruff of our necks, learning what it took to just barely survive cause that is all we knew and all that kept us going. now together for going on three years, we still live that way, by our scruffs, and while it keeps us alive and on our toes, it wears thin at times; but the point is, we always survive, no matter what and we do it together now instead of on our own.

keeping the tree up until the weekend, didn't want to take it down yet. that's okay. i'm good with that. wanted to venture out to rake leftover leaves up, but isn't really the warmest outside and i'd hate to get even sicker (snot and fever are enough right now) so i must find a way to pass the day, and that will be gaming and movie watching and writing.. duh, i said that earlier, i guess. okay, time to switch out laundry and run around cyber land.

ta ta

it's been a tough few days, having the family here and gone again. new holiday traditions to try to adjust to. as i commented earlier, the pms sure as shit don't help. is okay. feeling emotions keep us real.

when the book was done and i gave them a copy to read, i thought for sure it would be the worst thing i could ever do in honor of my mother's death. it took five years (and not all the time was i even aware i'd do such a thing let alone think i'd actually ever get such a thing done) and i was scared when they read it. i was scared they wouldn't understand it or accept it.

after they read it, we talked, and really, while they had questions and were confused a bit and had concerns, i asked my father one thing: would you be able to handle if one day, the story got published? i thought for sure he'd say, are you crazy, part of this is our family history, our family secrets, and ya want to put it out there? no way! instead, he said, sure, it would be one of the best things he could ever think of happening. well, there is still work to be done on that manuscript. it was fine for graduation standards, but not so fine for editor and publisher standards. so there is work to be done yes. and with the first tale of the series in the works, i've really begun to bridge the way to creativley construction a tale, more history, more characters just through the sheer will power of my own imagination. it's a good feeling, and in working on this first book, i've begun thinking of what it is i can improve and change in the second. the third, well the plot idea is there, but any writing on it is in the future for now i must say.

since i've had this last week off and this one coming, it feels like time has passed soooooooo slowly. joe was off work too and goes back tomorrow. i still have several days before the new job and training start
brb hamburger turn
back
and i've a bunch of stuff to do, but where did last week go? we had shopping, parties, friends over, family to see and visit, and now, just a few days to try to catch up on sleep and sanity. throw into mix, no smoking. yeah

time....
slips by sooooooooooo fast
you blink and it's fuckin gone
i worry about dad and billie
billie had a stroke back in nov, just a mild one and the dr said thank god dad was home, she was in the hospital for a few days and is now taking seventeen pills a day, but seems in good spirits. dad has to have a foot operation here in the next week i think, with six weeks off work; tore his soles literally one night during an ice storm. he is looking forward to the time off really and the station he is at went manned finally in nov, which means for the last 3 years he was pulling 12 hour shifts every day just about, but now he works sometimes not even forty a week but gets paid for the whole week. they moved to a new park too, at the end of oct, and where they are now is nice and quiet, only retired folks live there, and the dog can stay. long story short, they got a dog for billie's blood pressure, and their old park owner found out about it and tried to get them to get rid of it and move them out.. they beat to punch and moved anyhow. they seem happier where they are; only problem is, they can't sell the old mobile.

scott.. well he always is a different story, huh?

me? well, the holidays where hard for me this year. we had a nice christmas, joe and i, and his family pulled their shit per usual and just ruined everything just about, but it was hard for me becuase of mom issues and just not being home this year. i was very worried about finding work too, and for months, i just wasn't myself, i was even more worried about bills and money and health than i EVER was. now, in the last week, on top of all the holiday and family stuff, joe's back was acting up for a few days there and we were both sick on and off with bugs of weird kinds, just stuffy noses, sneezing, headaches, you name it. hell, i got seven weeks of mandatory training ahead of me, and i CAN'T miss a day, so if imma get sick, it better just be in the next four days.

hamburgers again
brb
the good thing about old purses: you find money, lipstick, phone numbers, and smokes
yes!

okay, so yeah, we quit
we did, but last two days have been HELL
and
he found a few in a coat pocket, smoked em all, no, his car, found em in his car
smoked em last night
we are no better than satan i know
but not buying a pack and just smoking what ya find hidden in the house, well, the idea to quit is there and implemented, but hey
right now what we have are little urges and pricks and in another day or so i imagine even those will be gone
anyhow, as i was saying, for having a few weeks off, i don't know where the time went. i have six days left to get the christmas stuff down, do some writing, and clean my den. oh and rest.. cause next few weeks are gonna suck, just getting back to the grind and all but it's more money and insurance and 401k right off the bat, so i can't complain; is a good company to get into, and in a few months, my sched could change to more normal hours, but for a while joe and i will be on the same shift pretty much and then i can always bid into a bigger job.
yeah, i don't know if this is a window god provided, but is the only one with decent income to start and it tops out decent, so hey
and my earlier post was sheer and utter cigarette angst. i'm so ashamed and my emotions have been OMG crying at the drop of a hat sorta shit. gotta get back in check. the end of the holidays sadden me as much as they do when they near.

well dinner is about ready, the second batch of burgers need turned, so that's all for now i guess

well
well
well
life is a bitch sometimes, then your cigarettes are gone and ya got nothin

been many months since an update on the stupidity and boredum of my life was released. i'm only typing so i won't get in the car and go buy smokes. so here it is. finally got the bonafide degree in the mail; just waiting on the binded copy of my book. in the past few months, i've begun the rough draft of book number one in the series and another manuscript all together, but with that one, i dunno, put it aside for a bit cause i got the story idea, but just can't get the flow yet. with the mom book, the first in the series, that is going well, i'm just writing along on it, but once the beginning of october came and the holidays came, wasn't was much for writing, cause i was still trying to hold down the temp job, find work elsewhere, and my nerves were all just pretty much shot.

the job situation, funny thing: once i had the degree, i looked high and low for a damn job. the extension on the temp job kept expanding, but i kept looking. nothing. not a damn interview even. i had more when i didn't have the damn degree. anyhow, back in july, i had placed my application with country for a job but never heard anything so i just kept looking. the end of novemember rolled around and i was just a bit concerned about the job situation then a department in the company called, went on two interviews, and begin a full time job with training on the 9th. downfall was that i've had a two week unexpected vacay with no pay cause my assignment was cut short, but with last week as christmas and this week as recooping, it's not too bad, just hurts a bit money wise.

training goes until about the end of feb, then i'll be on some sort of second shift set sched for the rest of whenever. base pay isn't bad, and with incentives and overtime, it will be okay. top out pay of the job isn't bad, but who knows how long i have to work there to receive that. probably 20 years. well, its not a writing or teaching job but its a job with pay and insurance. i still plan to write in the mornings and on my days off so this week i'll be searching for some freelance work and working on the manuscripts. if i got a teaching job anyhow, it would be one class for one quarter and not the best pay. and with school loan repayment kicking in here come april, is that smart? i am trying to pay shit off before april and can't do it making a grand for 3 months of teaching.

joe and i for news years, quit smoking.
it's not going well

dad, billie, and scott came for new years. lots of time spent eating, playing cards, bullshitting, but where did the time go?

it was so good to see them and spend time with them. i miss home and family. i cried a lot yesterday, battling pms and no smokes.... tough day, plus i picked up a bug of sorts and felt like shit.

i spoke with my father tonight. i told him that he and mom didn't raise me to be self absorbed, yet somehow, that's what i've been for so many years, even after her death. after her death, i told myself i had to really work hard to try and not take things for granted and to not let the world revolve only around me. for five long years, i've tried to practice all that and have failed. most of the time. i've hit a transition though, a big one, and because of joe's help, i'm sure it's one i might not have hit on my own. dad asked me if it were worth it; the debt, the five long years it's taken to hit this transition, and i laughed. many times, i've asked myself that very question. i've made my bed and i've now got to sleep in it. for a long time, even longer than five years if you count the previous five it took to get through two other degrees, school has enveloped me, consumed me. this last five years i had that plus mom's death. five years tomorrow. do i have regrets? yes, it's been a long, hard journey. yes, i'm in debt until i'm 65. yes, there were times i wanted to quit, but didn't. yes, i've thought about how i can make it all pay off. yes, i've thought about joe and what i can do to help us survive in this crazy world. i wouldn't say i'm a needy person, but i can be selfish. even after five years, i'm still trying to learn how to not be such. maybe now that this is done and overwith and i have a good education, a book, and a few more on the way, i can stand up proudly and say, "i've done it!" "i'm done and now i can start living!"

no.

I have no regrets, and i will try my damnedest to never have regrets. he asked why i didn't tell him last week, and i said, well i told billie, but you guys have a lot going on there right now, and i understand she didn't pass it along. and they do have some legal battles going on right now with the owner of the park they live in, and some health problems to top it off. i told him tonight though, and it was just the news he wanted to hear. "i'm proud of you," he said. "i've waited a long time to hear you say that, dad, and it makes me feel good." "we've always been proud of you," he said, when i said i've spent years wondering what it was i had to do to make them proud of me. "maybe you just never gave us enough time to say it," he said. "you've always had too much going on, and maybe you didn't hear it. but now, i'm really proud of you."

yes, too much going on. always too much to worry about. that's me. making the damn world revolve around me.

i'm pretty much an idiot. no, i really am. i mean, i try to wake up but i guess in most cases i was fooling myself and continued to sleep.

a new dawn has woke, though, and in the light of the talk i had with my father tonight, and several talks i've had with joe over the last few weeks. now is the time to become alive, use what i know, and make something of myself. now is the time to fight fear, crawl out of my shell i've called education and walk. i know what's ahead and i can do it. i've gotten through the last ten years, the last five maybe a bit harder, but i've done it, and not alone either. it's scarey, this transition. but good things are to come.

i asked dad if he would ever mind the idea of the book being published, because he's still in that "it's an autobiography" frame of mind. he said no, that it would make him even happier than knowing i finished the program. all this time, i thought he hated it, didn't want anything to do with me after reading it. thought he was so disappointed in me. that's the self absorbed part of me. and it was all really false, but i wanted it to be true. why? well, i suppose because feeling "rejected" like that made the world still spin around me on some level; that facing reality and a bed i made were too scarey in and of themselves. as joe said the other day, i need to look at what i've done. positively. i've gone to school; i've written a book.

no pity
no shame
no fear

it is what it is, and i guess even a few months from now, i will look back at all these years and will have learned something. there's no glamor in being scared and absorbed in your own mind i'm going to have a husband soon and hopefully a decent career. time to focus on the future because the past is in print where it will stay. you can reference the past, sure, if only to try to learn from it, but only if it can help you in the present and the days to come.

now, all i need to do is find a job
because....
it sucks when someone says "oh, what degree do you have? and where do you work" and i answer, "a temp service" LOL but maybe that is just a pride thing. i need to really keep my expectations on an achievable level in order to maintain the rest of my life at a sane level. make sense? to me it does LOL

i hear from joe often how proud he is of me, and without him or that, i'm not sure where'd i be, but i don't ever want to know. and he, well, he is really a good man. just a damn good man. it's me and him against the world and we are going to be damn fine.

finally, yesterday i heard from my brother. he has been on the road driving through west virginia and today is headed into new york somewhere. he called from penn.

searched ads last night. as i feared, i found only 3 decent jobs in which to apply for.

saturday, joe and i discussed further the idea of subbing.

we also talked about another book idea i have, a nonfiction documentary book about the drought this year in illinois and the devistation it has caused on crops and farmer families.

preparing for a gritty two weeks low on cash. bills are paid, except for our phone bills, which i can't even pay until the nineth of sept. and the bill was due on aug. 21. not sure how that will go over with our company. can't even afford to make a small payment. joe is adament about getting new stuff for his computer next week, even in knowing how strapped we are for cash right now; i mean just enough to get by on gas. nevermind that i paid a huge payment on the credit card and have turned around and reused most of it. i might be able to use that to make a small phone payment if i have to. he's adament about getting it all this weekend, and had even stated that the weekend of the nineth, we'd be back to smooth sailing, so i asked, why not wait. well, he's on vacay the week before labor day and wants the new parts to build it up.

heard from my old pal jen saturday night. more about that later. i also need to find out how long this position might last that i'm in now, if it will go beyond what i was sent there for time wise.

i guess we will be okay. we always are, and have had many rough patches to get through, but always come out somehow. my stomach troubles i've managed to maintain to having no flareups like everyday, but the worry of financial responsiblities still haunt me. worry about today i guess, and tomorrow will come soon enough and take care of itself.

off to work i go.

ah yes, it is that time in journal land where i must rant to myself all of the things i'm torqued about. not really torqued in most cases, but just pissy about.

these are in no particular order, meaning the list is just off the top of my head and everything mention has equal pissy value:

my family. so they read the book, and didn't like it. that was almost going to be a given, but i've tried explaining to my father the difference between fiction and non fiction and how a creative writer can and often does use real life experiences to fuel a fiction story. he calls the book autobiographical. erm, no. i mean, it is a fiction book, as it stands now. i will admit, at first, like in the way early draft stages years back, like two or three, i did write the damn thing ver batim to my own experience. it took lots of studying, lots of eye opening, lots of forgiving, and lots of sense to actually move from that the the piece it is now. i fear they won't want friends to read it because my father has not yet really dealt with mom's death, something i had to do cold turkey to even write the damn thing. i'm afraid they will think that people will think that all is really our story of what happened. i was honest with my father and said, hey, i will admit, i did try to write my story, at first, but halfway in, realized that my story would fly because, well, my story is far from over yet. my characters however, all needed to come full circle, and they did and that took creative work. anyhow, i think some nerves where hit in both billie and dad just because of how we all handled the suicide in reality. it was not good, it was not healthy, and if i could go back to almost five years ago after it happened, i know now what we could have done to deal with it better. but i can't. so i have this book. this book that uses some similar stuff to real life, but not always does real life even work out, so i changed what i wanted to, needed to, and i'm happy with it. is that all that should matter, or should i have been better prepared to take into consideration the feelings of family members?

my brother. not related to the above pissy situation, yet stands alone in his own situation, one i am most worried about. well after mom died, right, it was no secret that i loathed my brother for a while. he moved away, ran away, i call it, and we didn't talk for four years. literally. he moved to florida with his ex gay lover, still roomie. during his last year there, last year, we had some communication over the phone. the hurricanes were hitting heavy down there last year, and i called often to check on him and so on. turned out that he and his ex lover roomie hightailed it back to ohio in late winter, like feb. i think. got a call from billie one day saying they showed up on their doorstep and were like surprise, we are back. the story of how it came to be that they moved back to ohio is really really foggy. they claim they planned it and yet there are holes in their story and time line as far as when scott left his job and so forth. anyhow, i went home in um, june to renew the plates on my car cause it's registered there, and had to have an echeck, so i got to see my brother for the first time in four years. we spent time together just talking and catching up. i found out that he and bill, his ex lover roomie from florida, had sold every fuckin thing they owned like over on weekend and used that money to drive up to ohio and get a dump 3 room apartment over in the slums of dayton. we are talking like drug runner, gang banging road in dayton here. he joined a temp service and bill jumped from job to job. meanwhile, bill collectors began calling dad asking the whereabouts of scott. what a mess. and they still are, calling. anyhow, that was all early june. middle june, for my birthday, scott drove out here. we had planned it weeks before, but wasn't sure if he would flake out or not. he didn't. so he came and we had a grand weekend. really talked and cleared the air about mom. discussed dad and billie and our thoughts and feelings. "why didn't we do this years ago," he asked. "i don't know," i said, "but we sure as hell should have." it was good to finally get out at least to one family member what exactly mom's death did to me and how it took me to recover, mainly on my own, and mainly with joe's help, even given the fact that joe jumped into the picture several years after her passing. since he had sold everything in florida that dad ever gave him that were things that belong to mom... and yeah, i went off on him about that, i gave him some more stuff i had around the house here, gave him the older of the two xboxes we have, and sent him back to ohio. i had tried to pry out of him what might have happened in florida to make him and bill run so fast back to dayton, but could get no answer. i also tried to persuade him to think about branching off on his own and departing from bill because whereever he and bill went together, trouble always brewed. bill has hopped from so many relationships in the last few years, its really sick, and what is sicker is that my brother constantly takes the roll of third wheel and admits he likes that, as does bill and his lover of the month flavor. scott did break the news that he was going to try to get on with a truck driving outfit in dayton and if that panned out, he wouldn't be around much at all. the develpment with that is just as odd as every other damn thing in my brother's life. he got on alright, and began his training. while he was away in wisconsin i think, for like a few weeks, bill and his lover of the month back in dayton moved them from the slum in dayton to a place down near cinci. phone my brother to say hey, don't go home, we aren't there anymore. so with no job for bill and his lover, and my brother just barely bringing in training pay from truck driving school, he's been forking over most of his money to them for this new place in cinci, which bill claims he got through some cousins. last i knew, bill has spent the last few years since his own mother died claiming he had no family which is why he and scott have been so close all this time. suddenly cousins appear? hmm and with a place to live? i don't think so. i think they couldn't pay the rent or something in the place in dayton and either got the boot or left in the middle of the night. and any money they got from selling their shit in florida, my brother said, including his 401k from his job, all went to buying new things and "toys" for the place in dayton. anyhow, i have not heard from scott in a few weeks. he has no phone and was using bill's lover's phone to communicate. last i know, he was waiting for a trainor to return from vacay so he could hit the road and get his engineer training done. don't know that that has all taken place or not yet.

school. okay well, its not lie that i've struggled, taken my time, burned out, and whatever else through the process of trying to get my education. its been a long fuckin journey and i planned so hard for getting done by end of this quarter. my advisor however, who has the script now, isn't making that happen LOL. i'm going into next quarter and i just hope to god that he doesn't require like a huge rewrite of the damn thing and will approve it as is. all i can get from him is that he will have a reply to it sometime this month, and that was about two weeks ago that he said that. if he okays it as is, well, i have a month to prepare it for binding, then it will have to be reapproved for binding and then done. will take several months to get the copies back from binding but you graduate in the quarter its approved for binding. if he requires huge rewrites, we will have to do this all over again. i swear to god. i mean shit. i accept the fact that i will spend the next 30 years paying 500 bucks a month back on my school loans. what i don't accept is that this has really dragged on longer than it should. what i can't accept is that i have this fucking fancy eduction, a book under my belt, well almost, and all i can get job wise is a fuckin temp job? i can't accept that fact that my parents never planned for our college educations and i can't accept the fact that i was so stupid and didn't try to get a grant or something that i wouldn't have to pay back, but let's face it. i've been a single white female throughout most of my educational life. i have no children, no disabilities. i think all i could have gotten were loans. and all i've had through the course of my degrees have been meaningless, non good paying jobs that i had only because working hours versus school hours worked out. this might all be in the grand scheme of things, in god's master plan for me, and i should just be patient, accept my fate, and wait for it all to come into place. the one good thing about all this time shit is that when i do go to maybe hopefully get published this will all be the same. bouncing the script from agent to editor to me, doing rewrites, waiting for call backs, waiting for this and that. its all going to be the same. so i'm learning now maybe how it will be with the publication process. dear god, i don't know that i have the strength. i worry every day about finding a good job. i worry what will happen with us getting a house or whatever when we are married with large school loans to pay off. i worry that... well i worry. i worry so much i've developed stomach and stress shit. which on some days has made me really really sick. all of this is a whole new ball game compared to what i went through with like, say, mom's death. i mean, i've been stuck in this mode to try to please my father, make him proud of me, and i just can't. he thinks school has been a waste of time, a crutch. nevermind the fact that i'm the first simonson to get a degree, let alone two of them.

moving on....
ah yes, this next rant will surely piss people off and i should think carefully before i type because i tend to just go off and i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but won't feel like myself until i know i can clear my mind of all that is bothering me. so either i will piss people off, confuse them, or make the distance greater than what it already is. what the hell. so the onion has moved to a new chat server. voodoo, one that i happened to just recommend they check out one day to see if they liked. they liked. so since the move, the room has really seemed to be hopping. it's no secret here, that i rely on my computer and on line friends to entertain myself with conversation. living here in illinois, i've made no friends that i go out with, and by going out all that would consist of is hitting the hole in the wall bars in town, which really is not my thing anymore and hasn't been for years. my few girlfriends are back in ohio and i have little contact with them just because i don't go home often. so yes, i've relied on several on line friends over the last few years to chat with, share writing with, and i've realized that.... well... how to say this? can you make on line friends like real bonified friends? can you get personal, get to know someone, let them in your life? well i've burnt my bridges with some of these friends, and to this date, i am sad to say that i don't talk to any of them anymore, except for one, and the others in passing of a hello here and there. there was a period of time when a few of them trapped me in a messenger conversation claiming how worried they were about so and so and why wasn't i around more to check on them and what sort of friend was i and so forth. the people who used to be my friends, most of them, have turned to just totally ignoring me and or when we do talk, have been nothing short of condensending and well, not friendly. holier than thou sorta things. and the others? i've lost track of. don't talk any more, at all, like we used to. now i know that life goes on for everyone. everyone has shit to deal with, life happening, events to sort out and all of that just isn't part of the on line world. i mean, i've had my own stuff gone on for ages, so i know, life isn't all about chat. but for me... for me, it's really all i have communication wise. i mean, i like my life, the simplicity of coming home and diving into a book or writing, and i don't need many friends. yes i've backed away from chat for periods of time, as many others have done. however, you spend literally years talking to people, knowing them, and just because they don't go into a chat room, does that mean you can't still be friends and communicate by email? at least? no one, not even i, has extended such an olive branch, at least to me. now if everyone talks to one another i don't know. isn't my business, but i just know for me, there are no more on line friends, not the ones that used to be there. can't point any fingers at someone, no on in partiuclar, for not keeping in contact, because i even dropped the ball on that one. point is, the onion has yet again moved, and has new visitors coming to the room, and some old visitors as well, some old friends, and i don't know them. any of them. and they don't know me. maybe its easier for some to pick up where left off with whatever, but for me, its deeper than that. shame on me for relying so much on this venue for friendship and communication. *sigh* so i'm a bitch. i speak my mind and my feelings. sue me LOL. well i won't deny it is good to be back in a place where the poetry is running high, but in the mean time, i miss those friendships i once had because they are all people that i spoke of in person in real life, and maybe the rejuvination of the chat room will help get me back on track with a few of them, but i can't help but wonder if its all too late. time to make new friends? while the old ones still come and go? maybe i'm thinking too much about this. relying on it too much. i myself will be leaving chat again, as soon as i hear from ol boy at school about the script; leaving all my time to prepare it for binding and finish all that shit up. why leave? well, i don't have to, but chat is a distraction to say the least at times, and i wasn't even sure i was going to make the follow to voodoo, but there i am. so maybe i'll cut my time in half hanging out there instead of all together going on hiatus. point is, who the fuck really cares LOL and i don't mean that rudely at all, but really? who cares? life will go on, no matter what i decide to do, because as much as it sucks, the world doens't revolve around christy lynne.

what's next. ahhhhh yes.... joe's family has us in fits right now, but i won't extend on that because it is not my situation to speak of really.

hmmmm

ummmm

ah, joined a new poetry group and am battling with the resident asshole who doens't post his own shit yet insults everyone else. posted three newer poems soon after i joined, and haven't been able to spend too much time there yet, but he called me a drunk, said i sucked, and i couldn't write and we've been going back and forth. nothing like a good asshole to make you feel like shit. well, what goes around comes around and this is prolly my due for some stupid chat or poem thing i've done in the past LOL. his words or what he thinks of me doesn't bother me in the least. i've way tougher skin than that. what bothers me is that he, and whoever else, has the audacity to think they can speak to people that way. insult them to feel better about themselves? who knows. i don't care really, what the fucker thinks of me, but of course, i respond to him to not only fuel the fire, but to show him that i don't take his shit.

plans this weekend? well joe is working today. we have to go pick up his car before hand. he uncle did some work on it and supposedly got it up and running again. then i will job hunt. ads have been slim last few weeks, but i have to get some more resumes out cause i don't know for sure how long this current assignment will last. at least a few more weeks, maybe longer. not sure and i hate that god i hate that. anyhow, time to get back into all the sites i can find and get some resumes back out there. something, i mean, something has to turn up eventually. i did think about ditching the temping and just trying to sub, but there is no guarantee that i can sub everyday. i mean with all the schools around here, i'm sure i could. would make more money i think. but... too... there is no guarantee that the temp job will last anyhow, or that i will find another job period. at least with subbing, i mean, there are many many schools around here and i can sub k through 12. need to check more into that. school starts like next week, this week, i think. anyhow, what else, oh trip to library, maybe lawn mowing, and reading. def some writing... working on new ms and revamping some poems. tomorrow we going to golf, but now we aren't. tomorrow night joe is having a friend over some wrestling pay per view shit. trip to store for groceries.

oh i know LOL saw dr this week. everything is good except for my stress, which as i said earlier was a mess
have to get that under control. wine and sex aid greatly in that, as does writing. so if i can get all under control as mentioned above, i will be just fine lol.
had blood tests done. they aren't high high, but high enough for the dr to say hey, you need to start thinking about years down the road: my cholesterol and carb lvls were not as low as we'd like them to be. so... this weekend, diet. i've already tried this week, the last few days, to break into the diet mode, and not so much a diet per se but a change in eating habits. gonna start counting carbs and buying low fat food. i worry about when i'm 50 you know? i want to live a while.

k so that is it for now. a long awaited, much needed journal catch up, only for myself if anything.

people....
piss me off
.
life isn't bad right now, but who cares? not too many.
i'm going to go write; not here, but elsewhere because if
i write here, then people will piss me off even more.
Joe and Baby D are cool. They don't piss me off, at least right now
(LOL) jk babe, if you read this, which i don't think you do or will,
but I love you.
Life is in a momentary lapse of stillness right now. Job market sucks.
Gas is too high, and people suck.
But everything else is okay.
Not bad at all. I'm breathing. We are together. I'm in love.
These are the things that matter. Oh, and I just might, just might
graduate before I turn completly bald.
Did i say that people suck?
I did.
Friends.
Ha. It's better that I'm more alone in that regard than not I think.
I've never had many to begin with.
Ever, like, for long periods of time in my life.
But I have the best friend any one could ask for, and that is Joe.
And at least I've regained some communication with the parental unit
and one or two friends in Ohio.
And some people at work.
Everyone else.. well I just don't know you and you don't know me.
That is life.
Damn!
I was not to write here!
Well, needed to update anyhow and I'm done being fussy.

Still no word on the job front... ads have been slim this week, so slim....
a few still floating out there, resumes, but not many.
Working on an app to send to a community college up north for faculty positions.
Will spend the weekend going back over the stupid job sites and just seeing what i can come up with.
Extended yet one more week with temp job. Buys me some time.
Getting the ms out to my advisor tomorrow in the mail.
Finally got in writting, the two evals i needed from the committee to say it was good enough to go.
So advisor will read it, hopefully within a few weeks, approve it, and i will take august to revise it for binding.
That's the plan.
Have to print it out tonight and maybe tweak it a bit for him, but other than that, is good to go, i think.
Hopefully he will push it through and won't request major, time consuming changes.
Some thing has to give with the job front.
There is always subbing i guess, come august, yet it sure is not 100 percent reliable with providing every day work, but
would be something.
Talked with Jackie last night for two hours! We go way back and i had called her at work to request using her as a reference.
We caught up on things. I hadn't spoken to her for years, except once or twice, and after mom died back in 00, that was only one of the
relationships i badly burned the bridge with, but then we talked last night. it was good.
i was missing my gfs.
So, on more okay for a ref, and the college app is out the door. Preping my grad course plan to send along with it, since i don't officially have
my grad transcipts and won't til the end of the quarter, but hopefully, those will do.
there was something else,
oh london.
fucking crap terrorists and shit
there is no peace in this world
none within me or in the world
how do we all get up in the morning?
*sigh*
fuckers
k
anything else?
hmmmm just a night of ms printing and prepping (minor only) and a weekend of job hunting
need to redo the portfolio but for fucking what? haven't had to use it yet
but i willl soon, i feel it and it needs to be reorganized.
oh joe and i have a date tonight..a sex date :D
rode bike several miles yesterday
felt damn good and i'm not sore today
k gotta roll, have to leave in a short bit and need a shower
off to cubicle hell for 8 hours where all i do is sit and think about why i can' find a decent, stable job and what i'm doing wrong
oh, billie called earlier in week
scott is at truck driving school and her and dad just hate that idea
asked me if i knew anything of it
i said no
but of course, i did
just let him do it
if thats what he wants to do
and be happy
k
done
out

joe is at work for a few hours
went to get cook out stuff
last night, i started feeling ill, similar to what he just had and got over
no vomiting though, whew
but achey, fuzzy head, shit stuffy nose
today, almost feel the same, worse after i ate, but i think i woke this way,
just choosing to ignore it
went to store, came back feeling drained
sore throat
bah
bah
bored
game won't work and is the one thing i find relaxing
started new story yesterday and wrote a bit this morning
still waiting to hear from damn diane and my evaluation
so i can send in my ms to jon and get this shit over with
holiday weekend and cant reach her
no news on job front
fuck
caught up on bills for month so that is good
and next month, paying off a cc and a half, will leave enough to pay off before i
have to start with school loans, and car is done in 6 to 8 mos also, so by time
loans HAVE to begin pay back, will have no car payment and no ccs
but
when the fuck does life work out like i want it to?
still worried about job market
temping at least through this week coming at same assignment and maybe a week after that
hate to rely on damn temping in case other job doens't happen, but is still a paycheck,
however small it is, but with it, my goals of paying off things in next few months won't work
as i hope
hmmm
happy fourth of july you pricks
LOL
that was to no one in particular
head is swimming, but am fighting it
i want nookie tonight and won't get it if i am ailing
shouldn't really cause i don't want joe to get sick again
have tomorrow off, joe works full 8, and needs to fix my game so i can play it
brother got truck driving job, went for training friday for a few weeks in wisconsin
haven't heard from dad or billie
i'm sure they are busy
new layout
ugly but
who cares
i don't have the patience to edit this shit for color and font
summer cold virus thingies fuckin suck
people in chat:
you all, most of you, just piss me off
you know who you are with your holier than thou fuckin shit
and me
i'm just fuckin stupid
man, what this sinus medicine does!
makes me rant
ho hum i'm off to chew my toes

i forgot to add that we are cookie monsters
*nods*
i woke at two am, having to take a pee. joe was just getting into bed. i was still half asleep when i said hey, lets eat some cookies
so we did
in the bed
with.....
glasses of milk
then i went back to sleep
the dog....
well...
she was confused i think
but damn
those cookies were good
k bye